TV PRESENTERS TO 'MULTI-TASK'

More details of cutbacks to the news services at TVNZ emerged today with the announcement that news anchors Simon Dallow and Wendy Petrie will be required to "multi-task" as part of a productivity drive.
A news executive who would not be named said the pair would have to do 'odd jobs' but denied this would involve 'Wendy mowing the CEO's lawns or Simon Dallow appearing in a Superman suit at hen nights.'
Instead the pair would earn the station extra money and increase the ratings by adding exciting components to the news. Wendy would answer 111 calls on air while Simon, who is qualified as a lawyer, will do live conveyancing.
"We're really excited by the prospect," the un-named source said, adding that she planned to have a name by Monday morning "just as soon as the office of Births Deaths and Marriages opens."
Meanwhile the source confirmed that Susan Wood will multi-task in a return to TVNZ where she will front Agenda. The show will be broadcast live from her home on Saturday mornings "so that she can shout at her children at the same time she is grilling politicians." In another reprise Paul Holmes will present a weekly current affairs monologue while breathlessly gliding around the dance floor on Dancing With the Stars.
The Kiwi Herald is pursuing rumours that TVNZ's drive to revive it's news ratings will involve live coverage of pay negotiations for presenters. An insider could not confirm that this was planned but agreed that it would make great television.
"The tears. The shouting, The threats and insults. It would be bloody marvellous viewing," he said but added that creating a studio large enough to fit in the inflated egos involved would eat up several years of shareholder dividends.

TV NEWS CUTS GOOD NEWS

Moenui TV today announced the lay-off of a third of its news and current affairs staff saying "there is simply not enough news to go round any more."
A spokesperson for the troubled broadcaster said that the long predicted drop-off in news world-wide could be ignored no longer.
"We are living in a period of 'peak news.' News is running out. We just have to face up to the fact that there are very few ground-breaking stories anymore. People are bored by endless tales of wars and disasters. They just don't cut it as news anymore. And there are only so many times you can watch stories about celebrities and politicians making a horses-arses of themselves."
"Frankly the average person finds the news irritating. Our recent surveys show that most people only watch TV news so they will recognise the presenters when they appear as competitors on future series of 'Celebrity Treasure Island', 'Dancing With The Stars' or 'The Great NZ Spelling Bee.'
Meanwhile journalists have reacted angrily to the moves which will see significant cuts to the staff of current affairs shows Sunday and 20/20. They are hurt by rumours that the political focus of Sunday will continue but that it will be relaunched 'with a feel more appropriate to the sabbath day' and be hosted by members of the Exclusive Bretheran.
20/20 will be reduced from a commercial one hour slot to a commercial half hour and be re-named 10/10.

CELEBRITIES LOSE HOME

Local identity Si Dallow today confirmed that he and partner Ally Mau have moved from their much-loved double garage into a car-case, because 'the garage had lost it's glitter, especially since uncle Bill parked his tractor in the lounge-room.'

The move of the celebrity couple, who achieved fame when they made regular appearances on the top rating 'Police Five' TV programme, has caused widespread concern in Moenui. Many are concerned that the price of car-cases will now soar as others attempt to imitate the lifestyle of the celebrity couple. It is believed the octogenarian Bill Dallow hurriedly parked his Massey-Ferguson next to the couples' sofa when he heard the opening bars of theme music from his favourite TV programme "Location, Location, Location."

GIRL TELLS OF HOSTAGE HELL

Freed Moenui teenager Melodie Ann Lewis today described her anguish and bulldog defiance during an Easter in captivity. Melodie-Ann, who forewent lucrative offers from British tabloids to talk exclusively with the Kiwi Herald, told of how she underwent 'extraordinary rendition' after straying past a parent curfew on thursday evening, and found herself in solitary confinement in her bedroom for the entire Easter break.
"It was hell," the brave teenager told our reporter. "I thought at one point I was going to die of boredom. What made it worse was that my captors told me that all of my friends were free and so busy having a good time they had forgotten me." Ms Lewis described how for the first day she tapped out messages to 'a friend held in a similar cell just a few houses away' using a Nokia phone. "It was all that kept me from breaking," said the pale year 10 student. "When I ran out of pre-pay minutes it got real hard. It was like being in Guantanamo. I got through by gazing endlessly into the eyes of my Eminem poster. It was almost like he was saying to me that he felt my pain."

Ms Lewis told of the harrowing experience of being interrogated by her "so-called parents" when she strayed past her curfew. "They wanted to know everything. Where I'd been, who with. It was the real third degree but I refused to be cowed. I just remembered all those TV shows where the brave victim refuses to say anything for fear of incriminating themselves and others. Old people really don't understand loyalty."

POLICE LOLLY SCANDAL DEEPENS

Less than 24 hours after a spokesman for Brad Shipton described a complaint from a woman of sexual exploitation by policeman as "pathetic" and "like asking for your lolly back," Moenui police station was under siege today by locals demanding sweets.
Moenui constable Frank Tawhai locked the doors to the police station and refused to come out as hoards of people of all ages sought the return of jelly beans, jaffas and scorched almonds gifted to the officer over several years.
"Hand back the all day suckers you sick bastard," shouted grandmother Enid Nodd as she shook her fist at the station window. Like many others Mrs Nodd has been outraged at a videotape that is circuulating in the community showing Constable Tawhai and policemen from nearby towns indulging in an orgy of sweet-eating. "Good Lord what kind of perversity can bring grown men to indulge in this sort of behaviour where they use doughnuts as handcuffs and flake bars as police batons," said Mrs Nodd.
14 year old Student Council Chair Melodie-Ann Lewis was at the police station to demand the return of two packets of Hubbabubba she gave to constable Tawhai when she was 13 years old.
"Back then I thought he was way cool aye," said Ms Lewis. "But now I just feel used. He wasn't interested in me. All he wanted was my bubblegum. Him and his sick cop mates."

Meanwhile it is expected that the Bazley report on police culture, expected to be released any day, will document a steady decline in police fitness over recent years as more and more have succumbed to the tempatations of a high sugar diet, particularly when offered by attractive young women.